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No, this is not my last column. This is about a scourge which invades my mailbox: Catalogs and flyers.

What I find as the funny part is I will receive a catalog from companies I have never even HEARD about, let alone ordered from, with this emblazoned on the front:

You might never hear from US again if you don’t order!

Um, okay.

Who thinks this is a good marketing ploy? You just turned my mail into a hostage situation.

I feel like I need to shop with a negotiator. Luckily, my dog, Roswell, is a dog negotiator.

“So, if we order the super duper mopper upper which you cannot buy in any stores, will you let the mail go?”

“Yes, and you need to pay in unmarked, non-sequential dollar bills. Unless this item is too expensive in which case you can break this into small monthly payments. With approved credit.”

It always feels like, “buy our product or the mailbox gets it in the head.”

I almost always save the catalog for bathroom trips. No offense, but Fingerhut and Montgomery Wards cannot hold a candle to Sears’ catalog. Them I would buy from.

But alas, no more Christmas Wish Books. Western civilization is definitely on the decline.

While I am ranting on the mail, I want to address the envelopes marked: “Final Notice”

I become hopeful I will never get another. Yet, next month. It has become Groundhog Day with the US Mail.

One day each month I receive the same mail I received the month before until I take care of it.

Unfortunately, I am not Bill Murray and Columbia House had to figure I was not going to buy the next four cassettes. I got my 10 for a penny and don’t want anymore.

And of course, there are the millions of credit card offers which I am pre-approved for. I have yet to actually become actually approved for the card.

I am planning on mailing back rejection letters.

“Dear Fred’s Bank Visa:

After careful consideration, we have decided not to accept your offer of a credit card. Our decision was based on a mythical credit score which no one understands or comprehends. One which credit companies are constantly changing the rules for.

Have a good day”

But I fear I would spend a fortune on stamps.

And one final irk in the post, those flippin’ car company flyers with a key attached to it.

You are guaranteed to drive away with a car. Here are the keys, come down today.

Really? I bet if I came down after hours to get into my car I won and had the keys to, it would not be this simple.

At least I don’t receive the millions of magazine stamps from Publisher’s Clearing House.

Ed McMahon never gave me my millions, so I am not sad to see them go.

On a final note, I want to thank a dear friend who has been with me from the time this column was called, “Have Coffee Will Travel” and every other name I gave it. I feel the product I type up today is infinitely better today because of her hard work and knowledge.

I will miss her editing my columns, this one is dedicated to her.

Michael Cole is a syndicated columnist that when he is not writing, he is plotting global domination or battling the mail. You can follow him at www.storyoveracup.com